Hello Dear Reader
Welcome to my blog.
I’ve procrastinated about this for exactly 5 months …give or take an anxious measure of self-doubt.
Procrastination has had me by the proverbial balls.
Till Now.
While I thought I’d ring mum next week, or tomorrow she’s been slowly slipping away
While I thought I’d weed the garden the bugs have eaten the fruit
That mould
Those spider webs
That dust
Its all just progressing
While I’m stagnant
And Stressing
About other stuff
Thinking I’ll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow is now
So, here’s the thing …I don’t know what to write my blog about.
The obvious thing, if you know me is food, but fuck, that’s been done!
So I’m just going out on a limb here and sharing a story that came to me after a friend sent me a pic of a recipe on face book and said here’s something for you to make or write about . It was a Texas Twinkie. The name in itself made my mind go straight to the gutter ( or just below the belt) .
It inspired this story
The Drive Through
“What’s the go with guys and their wangs?”
She shows me yet another dick pic sent to her via messenger from a guy she’s matched with on one of the many dating apps she frequents. We are sitting in my old maroon Toyota Corolla amongst the rubble of my life. The interior of the car had certainly seen better days with the sagging roof liner desperately held in place with gold thumbtacks and dubious stains on the upholstery. The engine however was unbreakable and so we felt secure in getting from A to B in her. Today, A was my house and B was University. We had stopped off this morning at the local dodgy drive through to grab a coffee for the road.
“If this fat prick in the Pajero just moved forward a bit you could order! “She growls.
“Well, Pajero does mean wanker in Spanish” I respond.
“Speaking of wankers check out this guy.” She turns the phone around to show me her latest admirer.
“You really need to put some filters on, or whatever it is you do, to stop the weirdos” I advise sounding like a mother.
“Where’s the fun in that?” she teases. “I want the weirdos. They make me feel normal and HOT! Besides all men are pigs.”
I roll my eyes out loud at her and inch the car forward, trying to telepathically urge the driver in front to move just that little bit more so I can order. I crank the window with its peeling tint down lower in anticipation of the main event.
“I read the other day they can listen to your conversation before you order” I say
“COCK!” she stage whispers.
“Stiffy” I giggle
“Schlong” she counters
“Joytick” I inch forward “Do you want any food?”
“No, I made us some delicious juicy balls “She reaches into her bag and pulls out a battered Tupperware container filled with her signature protein snacks. Licking her top lip in mock seductiveness.
“Oooh! I love sucking on your balls…”
“CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?”
“Oh Shit! Um Sorry! Yes!” I’m shocked out of our bawdy banter “A large cappucino on soy and a Long black please. “
“Long Black” She sniggers from the safety of her side of the car.
“Ok. Drive through”
“I hope they didn’t hear me say that thing about the balls.” I giggle whisper moving away from the speaker box.
“Doubt it” She shrugs. Attention now back on her appendage wielding weirdos.
Pajero guy reaches his chubby arm out of his car window and taps his card before collecting two bags of food and one drink. I notice his family sticker on the back window is a man and his dog. Hungry man I think to my cynical self. He trundles his big gas guzzler out of the driveway. After what seems like an eternity, we finally arrive at the serving window.
“Good morning! A long black and a large soy cap.” Chirped the overly cheerful headset wearing server. “No charge today! The customer in front paid for your order. He said he’s paying it forward!”
“Oh, that’s really sweet!” I stammer as I take the coffees and hand her the cappuccino. Feeling like a right twat.
“You might need some of these too” He hands me some wet wipe napkins. “For after your balls”
I’m speechless. Too embarrassed to answer. How much did he hear? She’s not responding either. I’ve got to say something!
“Ah…thankyou …umm “I glance at his name tag William and start to drive away. He winks at me “Willy! At your service”
I exit the drive through on my way to point B a little coyer than I had entered. “Just goes to show all men aren’t pigs hey, you were wrong”
“Huh?”
“Never mind” I shake my head at the scrolling date zombie beside me.
Soul Scribbling 